Kemarin, Opung berpulang...
My mom told me, "She's gone..." and there I was, sitting on my bed, giving no respond, except nodding my head. After she went out from my bedroom, I still sat for a while, and then I started to went into a silent cry, and sobbing, and then cried.
The thing that mostly struck me is the fact that she's done so much for me, yet I haven't got any chance to thank her in ways I've imagined. For a sudden, I felt miserable because I haven't been able to fulfill my promise, although it was a silent one, a dream that I had only for myself without sharing it to other. I wanted to take her to Lourdes, because I believe she would love to have that pilgrimage.
Many times, whenever I lose hope, she would say things that really meant a lot to me. She would said, "America..!" because for some unknown reason, she's the only person I believe who knows how much I want to go there, deep down inside my heart. It's not actually the America as a country, but it's more like an image, of how I'm capable to go abroad, to live by myself, to be myself at the fullest, and to seek and accomplish those missions. I never directly told her this, but I do believe she sees that in my heart. She just knew, whenever I remember that "America", I just won't give up and I won't back down. Sometimes she would teased me, saying "I still want you to take me to America" and I would then told myself, "Yes, you can do it..you'll have that chance!"
But now, there's no chance left for me to take her to any of those places.
I know it sounds kind of selfish because what triggered my out-cried was my own condition. I hate being in this situation, in which I'm not capable to do any. I despise myself, for being not able to. I'm disappointed, because I didn't get those chance to show her, to prove her, that what she sees in me, what she visioned me, it's all worth it.
I didn't get to this feeling, not until the next morning. I was done with my bath, and I just finished getting dress. Normally, I would go out from my bedroom, and then go on to do the next errands before I go to the office. But the light has been out since the morning. So there I was, alone in my bedroom, which was dark once I closed the door. Then in the darkness, I sat down on the floor, and I cried...again.
I finally have a moment of truth, where I acknowledge what saddened me the most. I send her my sorry, for I haven't been able to. But the most important thing, is that I finally get a chance to say "thank you". Thank you, Opung...for keep on lighting my way whenever it turns dark, thank you for being in each and every steps, thank you for showing me direction, and reminds me whenever I tempted to turn on the wrong path. Thank you so much for believing in me, for preparing me all this time, nurturing me to become a bigger, bolder, and more beautiful person.
She might be gone now, I might never had any chance to take her to places I dreamed to take her to be, but after all she has done to me, I believe the least I could do is to show her and myself, that I'm all able to, I'm capable to fulfill those missions, and I will become a person she always visioned me to be. I still have a chance to take those dreams, and fulfill it. And even if I might fail and die eventually without accomplish anything, at least I die trying.
I'm grateful that I still had a chance to met her one last time before she gone. I visited her in the hospital on Saturday, after Waisak ceremony. She was gone two days afterward. But I've seen the best of her on that Saturday. She said, not to me, but to the other visitor (my uncle), however I feel like the message was sent to me. "I could only die once in this lifetime, why fear it.." Up until now, I kind of think that she might do that on purpose. She showed to each and all of us, that she's okay. She wanted to be remembered as the best of her. When my Mom took her picture using her phone to send it to my aunt, she even asked "Do I look okay in that..?" and we all laughed. I hold her hands, and then I said good bye to her when we all about to went back home. But I think the real goodbye for me, is the moment when I saw her through her eyes, just for a glimpse of second, when we were strolling to the door. I thank her, for showing me the best of her during that time, and I'll remember her as always.
So, farewell my dear Opung. I owed you so much, that I wouldn't even dare to mess up my life, the life that you have helped to nurture and taken care of all this time. May you have a safe and peaceful journey. Blessed be, for all the kindness and good deeds you have done to me, to each one of us, to our family. Thank you so very much, Opung. Thank you...
Side notes on April'14:
I only published it just now, even though I've wrote it like a half year ago, where it ended up in the draft. Today, after re-read the whole writings, I decided this one piece is worth to be published. The pain has lessened, and I think in someways, it turns into power, to drive me, to push me even more, to willing to fight even more, to not even dare to give up.
There are times, when I still cries whenever I remembered her. But then in each of that moment, I just realize that, "Sshh..enough crying, show it what are you made of, how much valuable you are!" So, that is exactly what I'm going to do.
