Now I Think, "It's OK to walk on my path..."

Juz now I read the newspaper, and it tells the story about Yuichi Komano. Here’s the headline and the story that I quote from newspaper:

Meski Gagal, Komano Dapat Penghargaan
Yuichi Komano, bek yang penaltinya gagal sehingga Jepang kalah adu penalti dari Paraguay di 16 besar Piala Dunia 2010 pekan lalu, bangga mendapat medali penghargaan dari gubernur kota kelahirannya, Wakayama. “Kami memberi Komano medali agar semua orang tetap memiliki mimpi dan harapan, “ kata Gubernur Wakayama.

My heart tingling when I read the last sentences. “So that the others can still have dreams and hopes…” The message is so strong, so that people would still dare to put their hope high and dare to dream. Cara yang bener2 bijak dalam menyikapi hal buruk, coz based on my opinion it must be really such hard bourdon when he actually failed to score a goal, especially when all the entire Japanese put their hope on him. But in the end, it doesn’t matter…it’s not what people hope for you that was count for. It’s what u expect for yourself, what hope do you have, and how you treat your dream.

No wonder my heart was tingling because, then…I remember how I wannabe bold, big, and beautiful. My sacred lines, the one that represent my desire, about how I look at myself, about what kind of person I want to look at myself. The one that bold, big, and beautiful. Besides, I’m the tiger anyway…I suppose to be big and bold and beautiful…hehe…

Makanya gw salut bgt sm Ricky Martin, waktu dia dengan berani mengumumkan ke seluruh dunia, “Hi, I’m Ricky Martin, and I’m gay” With all the fame and money that he got, why bother? At least he’s got the chance, he proved to the world that even that he’s gay, he’s simply a fine man, and he’s good looking (although he’s not my type, hihi…), and talented, and gifted also. The time will come for me, when I actually have my own chance, the day when I actually dare to tell myself, “Psst, u know what? You’re okay (with a big O and K), you were fine, and you are going to be great.

I might gonna fail...even a lot (well, hopefully not that much fail…for God sake!), but no matter what…may I going to be able to see my failure, like the way of Japanese people saw Komano’s failure. So that I’ll never gonna lose, even a tiny bit within myself. Great…great…Teddies!

That’s why, above all things…I think what’s really count is not about what or how people think or say about you. What really count is about what and how you think about yourself. Itu juga alasan utama, tatkala semua orang di dunia ini lg keranjingan nonton bola (bahkan yg biasanya gk peduli banget soal bola, ikut2an kena euphoria demi keliatan laki), gw malah milih nonton Project Runaway di Fashion TV. Worldcup 2010? I don’t care! It’s soo not me, hehe…yg gw concern plg cuma soundtrack “It’s Time for Africa” yang dinyanyiin sama Shakira doank. Because it’s just me, simply me…that what who I am.

In fact, I think only fool people who actually care and put their entire energy to care about what other people think about them. To willingly try and satisfied other’s expectation. Juz like my Mom, yg baru berapa hari ini berkoar tentang pentingnya menjaga image kita di hadapan keluarga yang laen. Ngomongnya pastilah pk nyindir2 gue gt, secara dia ngomong barengan di hadapan my bother and sister. Dia cerita tentang betapa susahnya keluarga dia dulu, sampe2 dia dpandang sebelah mata sama keluarga yang laen. Now that her and all her sister and brother had become successful, sekonyong2 pandangan semua orang berubah. Klo kata gue, “Halooo, hari gini sp siy yg gk silau liat duit? Sp siy yg doyan susah? Di saat kita jaya, bergelimang harta, posisi bagus, banyak koneksi, pastilah orang akan ngomong yg bagus2 di depan kita (catet: di depan kita low, gk tau di belakang). Semua org jg mau deket klo kita lg makmur, but pliiis…remember those bitter time. Apa “the other” itu peduli sm kita? Ngeliat aj gk sudi, apalagi ngomong yang bagus2. Kita jaya juga dr hasil usaha, jerih payah kita sendiri. Bodoh aj, klo terus kita mencoba mengukur kemakmuran dan keberhasilan kita dari kacamata orang lain.

Kayak yg terjadi sm tante2 gw yg semuanya ud pada sukses itu, tiap kali ada hajatan keluarga…wuiih, it’s just classic: tamu adalah raja. So they put all their effort to serve “the other”, dengan embel2...demi nama baik keluarga. Well, it’s up to my mom (and my brother and sister) if they want to put their live that way. But for me, just like I said before…what u think about yourself is what matter the most. Namanya orang hidup, gk selamanya bisa jaya. Nothing last forever (anicca), akan ada masa dimana bintang kita redup, dan di saat masa itu tiba, kita gk akan punya kuasa buat mengontrol apa yang orang lain pikirkan tentang kita. It’s just out of our control, so rather that wasting time and energy into something that totally unreliable like that, I would better try to fill and live myself at the fullest.

So, again…I’m sorry Mom but I, once again have to cross-path with you. It’s not like, I hate or dishonor you or sumthing, but it’s juz not me. I realize, I’m not perfect, gw bukan yang paling benar. But hopefully I’ll have my own chance to walk on my path, and discover the truth out by myself with my very own way. So, just like the fact that “I think I’m gay” part, you just don’t understand, or maybe u just haven’t yet, but it doesn’t matter, like I said…it’s not my part. She just need to walk her own path, the same way that I do.

I’m not walking all by myself, and it’s not just a sentence. I still remembered clearly, sehari setelah gw ke-gap ama nyokap…di saat gw lg desperate bgt, tiba2 tangan gw ngebuka buku Ajahn Brahm tepat di halaman yg isi tulisannya lg ngebahas tentang homoseksual. One thing that I still remember (and maybe I’m going to, for the rest of my life) is the sentence that described what he said to his audience back then (the book it’s like a journal). He said, “You’re all welcome” That’s it! Gk ada embel2, gk ada syarat, gk ada hujatan atau stigma negative. Kalimat pendek, tapi bener2 menyejukkan hati gw bgt waktu itu.

Itu buku ud gw pegang selama seminggu, dan ud gw baca sambil lalu, because I thought, “Well, everyone seems to talk about him, so I I’ll juz give it a try, and try to read one of his book” And that’s what happened, the right page opened at the right time. Sama seperti tulisan tentang Komano yang gw baca hari ini, yang gk sengaja gw baca karena kebetulan tergeletak di atas kasur gw. Koran yang ud lewat 2 hari yang lalu, yang sebenarnya gk bakal gw baca (not mention the fact that the story was printed in the “sport” section, the page that I always skip), tp toh gw baca gua hari ini. The day when I actually spent the whole day, to watch, breath, and learn about self integrity, about how I want to be…u know, rite? Those sacred line of 3B!

“Thank you” That’s all I want to say, simple, short, but strong enough to represent what comes from the deepest-bottom of my heart. I will be great! Ow, btw…here’s the other thing that Ajahn Brahm said on his book. Katanya di luar sana (he’s Australian), there’s a lot of gay people (and couple) who enjoy their life, and having a good quality of live, including their spiritual side. I remember, how I usually describe it with my own language. I promised (well, at least I’m willing to promise that) this thing. I’m the flower, I promise that I won’t let me turn into a rotten flower. I might have thorn around, but it stills a beautiful flower. I’m still the flower. It’s up to the other, whether they want to stick their finger into my thorn, or enjoy the beauty within their eyes. And in order to do that, I need Me…and yes, don’t forget The Teddies! Blessed be my way…