Rabu, 28 Juli 2010
Jumat, 09 Juli 2010
Now I Think, "It's OK to walk on my path..."
Juz now I read the newspaper, and it tells the story about Yuichi Komano. Here’s the headline and the story that I quote from newspaper:
Meski Gagal, Komano Dapat Penghargaan
Yuichi Komano, bek yang penaltinya gagal sehingga Jepang kalah adu penalti dari Paraguay di 16 besar Piala Dunia 2010 pekan lalu, bangga mendapat medali penghargaan dari gubernur kota kelahirannya, Wakayama. “Kami memberi Komano medali agar semua orang tetap memiliki mimpi dan harapan, “ kata Gubernur Wakayama.
My heart tingling when I read the last sentences. “So that the others can still have dreams and hopes…” The message is so strong, so that people would still dare to put their hope high and dare to dream. Cara yang bener2 bijak dalam menyikapi hal buruk, coz based on my opinion it must be really such hard bourdon when he actually failed to score a goal, especially when all the entire Japanese put their hope on him. But in the end, it doesn’t matter…it’s not what people hope for you that was count for. It’s what u expect for yourself, what hope do you have, and how you treat your dream.
No wonder my heart was tingling because, then…I remember how I wannabe bold, big, and beautiful. My sacred lines, the one that represent my desire, about how I look at myself, about what kind of person I want to look at myself. The one that bold, big, and beautiful. Besides, I’m the tiger anyway…I suppose to be big and bold and beautiful…hehe…
Makanya gw salut bgt sm Ricky Martin, waktu dia dengan berani mengumumkan ke seluruh dunia, “Hi, I’m Ricky Martin, and I’m gay” With all the fame and money that he got, why bother? At least he’s got the chance, he proved to the world that even that he’s gay, he’s simply a fine man, and he’s good looking (although he’s not my type, hihi…), and talented, and gifted also. The time will come for me, when I actually have my own chance, the day when I actually dare to tell myself, “Psst, u know what? You’re okay (with a big O and K), you were fine, and you are going to be great.
I might gonna fail...even a lot (well, hopefully not that much fail…for God sake!), but no matter what…may I going to be able to see my failure, like the way of Japanese people saw Komano’s failure. So that I’ll never gonna lose, even a tiny bit within myself. Great…great…Teddies!
That’s why, above all things…I think what’s really count is not about what or how people think or say about you. What really count is about what and how you think about yourself. Itu juga alasan utama, tatkala semua orang di dunia ini lg keranjingan nonton bola (bahkan yg biasanya gk peduli banget soal bola, ikut2an kena euphoria demi keliatan laki), gw malah milih nonton Project Runaway di Fashion TV. Worldcup 2010? I don’t care! It’s soo not me, hehe…yg gw concern plg cuma soundtrack “It’s Time for Africa” yang dinyanyiin sama Shakira doank. Because it’s just me, simply me…that what who I am.
In fact, I think only fool people who actually care and put their entire energy to care about what other people think about them. To willingly try and satisfied other’s expectation. Juz like my Mom, yg baru berapa hari ini berkoar tentang pentingnya menjaga image kita di hadapan keluarga yang laen. Ngomongnya pastilah pk nyindir2 gue gt, secara dia ngomong barengan di hadapan my bother and sister. Dia cerita tentang betapa susahnya keluarga dia dulu, sampe2 dia dpandang sebelah mata sama keluarga yang laen. Now that her and all her sister and brother had become successful, sekonyong2 pandangan semua orang berubah. Klo kata gue, “Halooo, hari gini sp siy yg gk silau liat duit? Sp siy yg doyan susah? Di saat kita jaya, bergelimang harta, posisi bagus, banyak koneksi, pastilah orang akan ngomong yg bagus2 di depan kita (catet: di depan kita low, gk tau di belakang). Semua org jg mau deket klo kita lg makmur, but pliiis…remember those bitter time. Apa “the other” itu peduli sm kita? Ngeliat aj gk sudi, apalagi ngomong yang bagus2. Kita jaya juga dr hasil usaha, jerih payah kita sendiri. Bodoh aj, klo terus kita mencoba mengukur kemakmuran dan keberhasilan kita dari kacamata orang lain.
Kayak yg terjadi sm tante2 gw yg semuanya ud pada sukses itu, tiap kali ada hajatan keluarga…wuiih, it’s just classic: tamu adalah raja. So they put all their effort to serve “the other”, dengan embel2...demi nama baik keluarga. Well, it’s up to my mom (and my brother and sister) if they want to put their live that way. But for me, just like I said before…what u think about yourself is what matter the most. Namanya orang hidup, gk selamanya bisa jaya. Nothing last forever (anicca), akan ada masa dimana bintang kita redup, dan di saat masa itu tiba, kita gk akan punya kuasa buat mengontrol apa yang orang lain pikirkan tentang kita. It’s just out of our control, so rather that wasting time and energy into something that totally unreliable like that, I would better try to fill and live myself at the fullest.
So, again…I’m sorry Mom but I, once again have to cross-path with you. It’s not like, I hate or dishonor you or sumthing, but it’s juz not me. I realize, I’m not perfect, gw bukan yang paling benar. But hopefully I’ll have my own chance to walk on my path, and discover the truth out by myself with my very own way. So, just like the fact that “I think I’m gay” part, you just don’t understand, or maybe u just haven’t yet, but it doesn’t matter, like I said…it’s not my part. She just need to walk her own path, the same way that I do.
I’m not walking all by myself, and it’s not just a sentence. I still remembered clearly, sehari setelah gw ke-gap ama nyokap…di saat gw lg desperate bgt, tiba2 tangan gw ngebuka buku Ajahn Brahm tepat di halaman yg isi tulisannya lg ngebahas tentang homoseksual. One thing that I still remember (and maybe I’m going to, for the rest of my life) is the sentence that described what he said to his audience back then (the book it’s like a journal). He said, “You’re all welcome” That’s it! Gk ada embel2, gk ada syarat, gk ada hujatan atau stigma negative. Kalimat pendek, tapi bener2 menyejukkan hati gw bgt waktu itu.
Itu buku ud gw pegang selama seminggu, dan ud gw baca sambil lalu, because I thought, “Well, everyone seems to talk about him, so I I’ll juz give it a try, and try to read one of his book” And that’s what happened, the right page opened at the right time. Sama seperti tulisan tentang Komano yang gw baca hari ini, yang gk sengaja gw baca karena kebetulan tergeletak di atas kasur gw. Koran yang ud lewat 2 hari yang lalu, yang sebenarnya gk bakal gw baca (not mention the fact that the story was printed in the “sport” section, the page that I always skip), tp toh gw baca gua hari ini. The day when I actually spent the whole day, to watch, breath, and learn about self integrity, about how I want to be…u know, rite? Those sacred line of 3B!
“Thank you” That’s all I want to say, simple, short, but strong enough to represent what comes from the deepest-bottom of my heart. I will be great! Ow, btw…here’s the other thing that Ajahn Brahm said on his book. Katanya di luar sana (he’s Australian), there’s a lot of gay people (and couple) who enjoy their life, and having a good quality of live, including their spiritual side. I remember, how I usually describe it with my own language. I promised (well, at least I’m willing to promise that) this thing. I’m the flower, I promise that I won’t let me turn into a rotten flower. I might have thorn around, but it stills a beautiful flower. I’m still the flower. It’s up to the other, whether they want to stick their finger into my thorn, or enjoy the beauty within their eyes. And in order to do that, I need Me…and yes, don’t forget The Teddies! Blessed be my way…
Meski Gagal, Komano Dapat Penghargaan
Yuichi Komano, bek yang penaltinya gagal sehingga Jepang kalah adu penalti dari Paraguay di 16 besar Piala Dunia 2010 pekan lalu, bangga mendapat medali penghargaan dari gubernur kota kelahirannya, Wakayama. “Kami memberi Komano medali agar semua orang tetap memiliki mimpi dan harapan, “ kata Gubernur Wakayama.
My heart tingling when I read the last sentences. “So that the others can still have dreams and hopes…” The message is so strong, so that people would still dare to put their hope high and dare to dream. Cara yang bener2 bijak dalam menyikapi hal buruk, coz based on my opinion it must be really such hard bourdon when he actually failed to score a goal, especially when all the entire Japanese put their hope on him. But in the end, it doesn’t matter…it’s not what people hope for you that was count for. It’s what u expect for yourself, what hope do you have, and how you treat your dream.
No wonder my heart was tingling because, then…I remember how I wannabe bold, big, and beautiful. My sacred lines, the one that represent my desire, about how I look at myself, about what kind of person I want to look at myself. The one that bold, big, and beautiful. Besides, I’m the tiger anyway…I suppose to be big and bold and beautiful…hehe…
Makanya gw salut bgt sm Ricky Martin, waktu dia dengan berani mengumumkan ke seluruh dunia, “Hi, I’m Ricky Martin, and I’m gay” With all the fame and money that he got, why bother? At least he’s got the chance, he proved to the world that even that he’s gay, he’s simply a fine man, and he’s good looking (although he’s not my type, hihi…), and talented, and gifted also. The time will come for me, when I actually have my own chance, the day when I actually dare to tell myself, “Psst, u know what? You’re okay (with a big O and K), you were fine, and you are going to be great.
I might gonna fail...even a lot (well, hopefully not that much fail…for God sake!), but no matter what…may I going to be able to see my failure, like the way of Japanese people saw Komano’s failure. So that I’ll never gonna lose, even a tiny bit within myself. Great…great…Teddies!
That’s why, above all things…I think what’s really count is not about what or how people think or say about you. What really count is about what and how you think about yourself. Itu juga alasan utama, tatkala semua orang di dunia ini lg keranjingan nonton bola (bahkan yg biasanya gk peduli banget soal bola, ikut2an kena euphoria demi keliatan laki), gw malah milih nonton Project Runaway di Fashion TV. Worldcup 2010? I don’t care! It’s soo not me, hehe…yg gw concern plg cuma soundtrack “It’s Time for Africa” yang dinyanyiin sama Shakira doank. Because it’s just me, simply me…that what who I am.
In fact, I think only fool people who actually care and put their entire energy to care about what other people think about them. To willingly try and satisfied other’s expectation. Juz like my Mom, yg baru berapa hari ini berkoar tentang pentingnya menjaga image kita di hadapan keluarga yang laen. Ngomongnya pastilah pk nyindir2 gue gt, secara dia ngomong barengan di hadapan my bother and sister. Dia cerita tentang betapa susahnya keluarga dia dulu, sampe2 dia dpandang sebelah mata sama keluarga yang laen. Now that her and all her sister and brother had become successful, sekonyong2 pandangan semua orang berubah. Klo kata gue, “Halooo, hari gini sp siy yg gk silau liat duit? Sp siy yg doyan susah? Di saat kita jaya, bergelimang harta, posisi bagus, banyak koneksi, pastilah orang akan ngomong yg bagus2 di depan kita (catet: di depan kita low, gk tau di belakang). Semua org jg mau deket klo kita lg makmur, but pliiis…remember those bitter time. Apa “the other” itu peduli sm kita? Ngeliat aj gk sudi, apalagi ngomong yang bagus2. Kita jaya juga dr hasil usaha, jerih payah kita sendiri. Bodoh aj, klo terus kita mencoba mengukur kemakmuran dan keberhasilan kita dari kacamata orang lain.
Kayak yg terjadi sm tante2 gw yg semuanya ud pada sukses itu, tiap kali ada hajatan keluarga…wuiih, it’s just classic: tamu adalah raja. So they put all their effort to serve “the other”, dengan embel2...demi nama baik keluarga. Well, it’s up to my mom (and my brother and sister) if they want to put their live that way. But for me, just like I said before…what u think about yourself is what matter the most. Namanya orang hidup, gk selamanya bisa jaya. Nothing last forever (anicca), akan ada masa dimana bintang kita redup, dan di saat masa itu tiba, kita gk akan punya kuasa buat mengontrol apa yang orang lain pikirkan tentang kita. It’s just out of our control, so rather that wasting time and energy into something that totally unreliable like that, I would better try to fill and live myself at the fullest.
So, again…I’m sorry Mom but I, once again have to cross-path with you. It’s not like, I hate or dishonor you or sumthing, but it’s juz not me. I realize, I’m not perfect, gw bukan yang paling benar. But hopefully I’ll have my own chance to walk on my path, and discover the truth out by myself with my very own way. So, just like the fact that “I think I’m gay” part, you just don’t understand, or maybe u just haven’t yet, but it doesn’t matter, like I said…it’s not my part. She just need to walk her own path, the same way that I do.
I’m not walking all by myself, and it’s not just a sentence. I still remembered clearly, sehari setelah gw ke-gap ama nyokap…di saat gw lg desperate bgt, tiba2 tangan gw ngebuka buku Ajahn Brahm tepat di halaman yg isi tulisannya lg ngebahas tentang homoseksual. One thing that I still remember (and maybe I’m going to, for the rest of my life) is the sentence that described what he said to his audience back then (the book it’s like a journal). He said, “You’re all welcome” That’s it! Gk ada embel2, gk ada syarat, gk ada hujatan atau stigma negative. Kalimat pendek, tapi bener2 menyejukkan hati gw bgt waktu itu.
Itu buku ud gw pegang selama seminggu, dan ud gw baca sambil lalu, because I thought, “Well, everyone seems to talk about him, so I I’ll juz give it a try, and try to read one of his book” And that’s what happened, the right page opened at the right time. Sama seperti tulisan tentang Komano yang gw baca hari ini, yang gk sengaja gw baca karena kebetulan tergeletak di atas kasur gw. Koran yang ud lewat 2 hari yang lalu, yang sebenarnya gk bakal gw baca (not mention the fact that the story was printed in the “sport” section, the page that I always skip), tp toh gw baca gua hari ini. The day when I actually spent the whole day, to watch, breath, and learn about self integrity, about how I want to be…u know, rite? Those sacred line of 3B!
“Thank you” That’s all I want to say, simple, short, but strong enough to represent what comes from the deepest-bottom of my heart. I will be great! Ow, btw…here’s the other thing that Ajahn Brahm said on his book. Katanya di luar sana (he’s Australian), there’s a lot of gay people (and couple) who enjoy their life, and having a good quality of live, including their spiritual side. I remember, how I usually describe it with my own language. I promised (well, at least I’m willing to promise that) this thing. I’m the flower, I promise that I won’t let me turn into a rotten flower. I might have thorn around, but it stills a beautiful flower. I’m still the flower. It’s up to the other, whether they want to stick their finger into my thorn, or enjoy the beauty within their eyes. And in order to do that, I need Me…and yes, don’t forget The Teddies! Blessed be my way…
Selasa, 13 April 2010
I Hate My Mom...and I Really Did (Do)
Sumpeh, gw sebel bgt sm nyokap gw. This time she finally succeeded again in making me angry. I'm the one who have to eat those negative emotions, while she keep on spreading the viruses whenever she talks. I know, i'm the dumb here, since i LET her messed up my mood. But, i juz can't help it...! She's juz so irritating!
Why...for God sake, she juz don't let me be who i truly am. I know, i might not know exactly, and sumtimes i not making good decisions. But parents should let their kids make those decisions for they will eventually live their own life in the future, without you dictating them, or ordering them how to live their own life! There was a time when i actually think that my father was better than my mom, b'coz despite the fact that he kinda dumb and tend to hurt people by the way he expressed his feeling, but to me...he rarely complaint. And that's what i expect most at this very time, for she to juz shut her mouth, and swallow all her thoughts for herself. B'coz i'm juz not hearing you, Ma...!! I really not that into you...
If there's any word i could use to describe her, i will use "munafik" as the strongest word. Kadang gw mikir, she juz want what's best from me, but not what's bad from me. Hell, you juz have to have the full of me, take it, or leave it! Sekarang gini aj, dia bilang gw pesolek, setiap kali gw mulai perawatan muka (entah facial, peeling, dll) dia selalu complaint.
"Cowoq tuh gk kyk gt, tau gk ?" gitu kata dia.
"Sebodo teing lah, mau-mau loe..." dalem hati gue, hehe...
"Gk perlu pake2 peeling segala, kasar dikit gk masalah buat cowok" kata dia lagi
"Ow yeah? Jd cowoq yg mukanya bolong2 itu lebih bagus menurut loe?" batin gw
"Gk us juga pake2 cleansing milk segala, ribet bgt..." kata dia lagi
"Lah gw cocoknya pake cleansing milk! Klo gw jerawatan, emang situ yg ngerasain?"
"Susah amet siy, pake2 facial segala..." sambung dia
"Bacot deh, muka gw berminyak jg kan nurunin gen loe. Buktinya muka u jg berminyak n gampang komedo'an...!" lagi-lagi kata gua dalem hati
"Ngapain siy pake2 masker segala..."
"Astaga, niy masker jg gw beli pk duit gw sendiri. Gw yg tau manfaatnya buat gw, lagian gw pake masker jg di kamar, bukan di tengah jalan?!"
"Cowoq tuw gk us kyk gt..."
"Klo loe segitu paham'na tentang cowoq, gih..silakan loe yang jadi cowoq" umpat gw dalem hati.
Plis deh Mom, gk pernah dgr istilah Metrosexual apa? Hare gene sp siy yg gk mau cakep? Lagian itu muka jg muka gw sendiri, aset gw geetu loow, koq jd situ yg sibuk ngatur? Sekrang klo gw cakep, situ jg kan yg seneng? And that's the fact: tiap kali ada yg muji gw, ato kasi komen positif tentang gw, dia jg yg kesengsem, cengengesan sana sini. Pliiis deeeh... (ud 2x niy gw ngomong pliiis)
Trus lagi, tiap kali dia belanja baju pastilah dia ngajak gue. Tar tanya warna lah, tanya ini cocok apa engga lah, itu matching ato engga, dll. Klo nyalon...gw jg yg milih warna, malah kadang di rmh gw jg yg disuruh nge-cat. Sekarang gantian gw yg nanya, "Emang cowok wajar klo kyk gt?"
Mungkin emang pada dasarnya gw punya sense lebih, menyangkut hal-hal yg indah dan cantik. That's why i had a job and an education related with design. Dan mungkin emang dasarny jg gw punya sisi feminin lebih dominan. Tapi gw jg tau batas, which means...gk mungkin lah gw jalan ke mall pake lingerie?? Ato make make-up tebel kayak dakocan? Ato jalan melambai sambil goyang pinggul? I know my standart, but she doesn't know, so stop messing around mith mine!
Sekarang ini dia sibuk berkoar-koar, suruh gw gemukin badan biar berotot kayak "cowok kebanyakan" Pliss deh Mom, before u came up with that idea, have u ever bother to ask me whether i want it or not? If i would be comfortable with that? Yes, i know...i kinda skinny. Biasanya gw pk istilah slim, tapi semenjak gw kelar dengan kuliah gw yg maha berat, berat badan gw emang turun banyak (stress kalee...!!) jadi sekarang ini emang lbh cocok dibilang kurus. And yes, i already had a plan...to put on more weight (secara gw jg ngeri liat timbangan gw yg turun drastis). That's why i took milk, i bought vitamins, and fish oil, and eaten a lot. Belakangan, my brother asked me to accompany him to the gym. Gw pikir, lumayan jg gw bs pake fasilitas renang spy badan jd kenceng. Asli, niat gw tulus banget bukan buat ngebentuk body kyk Ade Ray..i had my very own plan. Eeh, tiba2 malah dia yg sibuk komen sana-sini,
"Cowok tuh keker dikit lah..." kata dia
"Bacooot... Klo gw keker, yang seneng kan loe, bukan gw..." batin gue niy
"Ambil keq kelas fitness, angkat beban, biar jadi badan loe..." kata dia lg
"Gk tau y, di tempat Gym tuw banyak binan iseng? Situ mau anaknya pulang gk perjaka lagi?!"
"Klo badan loe keker kan jd ada wibawanya..." kata dia
"Prinsip gw, klo ada duit n kedudukan, wibawa akan mengikuti..." kata gua dalem hati
"Drpd sekarang muka loe kyk anak kecil..." sambung dia lagi
"Itu namanya imut, and nobody's ever complaint about that. Besides I'm happy with it" batin gw
"Loe gk usa minder gr2 badan u yg kecil itu" kata emak gw
"Loe kali yg minder? Gw mah PD2 aj bs pdkt sama banyak cowoq keker di luar sana..."
Akhirnya gw malah jd ilfil buat ikut kelas fitnes yang ditawarin adek gw, coz gw pikir: klo gw ikut fitnes tar dia kesenengan, pikirnya gw nurutin maunya dia. Padahal emang niat gw ud tulus bgt dr awal pgn ikut demi kebaikan gw sendiri. Tapi klo gk ikut, rugi jg...masak rencana gw berantakan cm gara2 dia? So i finally decided, "What the heck...i won't let her do any damage anymore to my life. Screw her...i'll do what i think is right to do" Jadi, rasa2ny next week gw bakal start ng-gym ala gw klo gk halangan.
Still, no matter how much i hate her...there's nothing i can do for now. The main reason is b'coz i still live on the same roof with her. Istilahnya ms numpang di rmh orang tua. But that's ok...mudah2an gw jd terpacu, spy gw bs cepet2 mandiri, so i can finally live by my own. Klo ud kyk gt kan, peduli setan sm dia. Kebayang gk siy, klo percakapan di atas itu berlangsung secara frontal, alias gw ikut ngebacot? Yg ada gw bs diusir dr rumah, hehe...which can't be happen, at least for now. Jd, untuk yg satu ini...gw harus bermain cantik, seperti yang selalu diajarkan oleh nenek gw. Sumtimes, in order to get sumthing that u desperately want, u really don't have to do a thing...except to stand still, stay calm, and wait for thw right time to strike. So that's exactly what i'm going to do for now, stand still..
The other reason is...b'coz no matter what, she still my mom. And apart from her selfish part, pasti dia jg mau yg baik bwt gue. The only problem is, she never asked what's good for me... So, maybe one day, i will be able to tell her exactly what's good for me. Then it's all up to her to decide, whether she wants the full of me, or she could juz leave it. I'm sorry, but if you want the best part from me, you also need to take the worst part of me. B'coz that's what exactly i'm doing (or learning to do it) rite now. To accept my self for who i truly am, b'coz in the end it'll be juz me and my life, not someone else's life. And when that time is finally come, i want to be proud of it, really proud of my self..
Why...for God sake, she juz don't let me be who i truly am. I know, i might not know exactly, and sumtimes i not making good decisions. But parents should let their kids make those decisions for they will eventually live their own life in the future, without you dictating them, or ordering them how to live their own life! There was a time when i actually think that my father was better than my mom, b'coz despite the fact that he kinda dumb and tend to hurt people by the way he expressed his feeling, but to me...he rarely complaint. And that's what i expect most at this very time, for she to juz shut her mouth, and swallow all her thoughts for herself. B'coz i'm juz not hearing you, Ma...!! I really not that into you...
If there's any word i could use to describe her, i will use "munafik" as the strongest word. Kadang gw mikir, she juz want what's best from me, but not what's bad from me. Hell, you juz have to have the full of me, take it, or leave it! Sekarang gini aj, dia bilang gw pesolek, setiap kali gw mulai perawatan muka (entah facial, peeling, dll) dia selalu complaint.
"Cowoq tuh gk kyk gt, tau gk ?" gitu kata dia.
"Sebodo teing lah, mau-mau loe..." dalem hati gue, hehe...
"Gk perlu pake2 peeling segala, kasar dikit gk masalah buat cowok" kata dia lagi
"Ow yeah? Jd cowoq yg mukanya bolong2 itu lebih bagus menurut loe?" batin gw
"Gk us juga pake2 cleansing milk segala, ribet bgt..." kata dia lagi
"Lah gw cocoknya pake cleansing milk! Klo gw jerawatan, emang situ yg ngerasain?"
"Susah amet siy, pake2 facial segala..." sambung dia
"Bacot deh, muka gw berminyak jg kan nurunin gen loe. Buktinya muka u jg berminyak n gampang komedo'an...!" lagi-lagi kata gua dalem hati
"Ngapain siy pake2 masker segala..."
"Astaga, niy masker jg gw beli pk duit gw sendiri. Gw yg tau manfaatnya buat gw, lagian gw pake masker jg di kamar, bukan di tengah jalan?!"
"Cowoq tuw gk us kyk gt..."
"Klo loe segitu paham'na tentang cowoq, gih..silakan loe yang jadi cowoq" umpat gw dalem hati.
Plis deh Mom, gk pernah dgr istilah Metrosexual apa? Hare gene sp siy yg gk mau cakep? Lagian itu muka jg muka gw sendiri, aset gw geetu loow, koq jd situ yg sibuk ngatur? Sekrang klo gw cakep, situ jg kan yg seneng? And that's the fact: tiap kali ada yg muji gw, ato kasi komen positif tentang gw, dia jg yg kesengsem, cengengesan sana sini. Pliiis deeeh... (ud 2x niy gw ngomong pliiis)
Trus lagi, tiap kali dia belanja baju pastilah dia ngajak gue. Tar tanya warna lah, tanya ini cocok apa engga lah, itu matching ato engga, dll. Klo nyalon...gw jg yg milih warna, malah kadang di rmh gw jg yg disuruh nge-cat. Sekarang gantian gw yg nanya, "Emang cowok wajar klo kyk gt?"
Mungkin emang pada dasarnya gw punya sense lebih, menyangkut hal-hal yg indah dan cantik. That's why i had a job and an education related with design. Dan mungkin emang dasarny jg gw punya sisi feminin lebih dominan. Tapi gw jg tau batas, which means...gk mungkin lah gw jalan ke mall pake lingerie?? Ato make make-up tebel kayak dakocan? Ato jalan melambai sambil goyang pinggul? I know my standart, but she doesn't know, so stop messing around mith mine!
Sekarang ini dia sibuk berkoar-koar, suruh gw gemukin badan biar berotot kayak "cowok kebanyakan" Pliss deh Mom, before u came up with that idea, have u ever bother to ask me whether i want it or not? If i would be comfortable with that? Yes, i know...i kinda skinny. Biasanya gw pk istilah slim, tapi semenjak gw kelar dengan kuliah gw yg maha berat, berat badan gw emang turun banyak (stress kalee...!!) jadi sekarang ini emang lbh cocok dibilang kurus. And yes, i already had a plan...to put on more weight (secara gw jg ngeri liat timbangan gw yg turun drastis). That's why i took milk, i bought vitamins, and fish oil, and eaten a lot. Belakangan, my brother asked me to accompany him to the gym. Gw pikir, lumayan jg gw bs pake fasilitas renang spy badan jd kenceng. Asli, niat gw tulus banget bukan buat ngebentuk body kyk Ade Ray..i had my very own plan. Eeh, tiba2 malah dia yg sibuk komen sana-sini,
"Cowok tuh keker dikit lah..." kata dia
"Bacooot... Klo gw keker, yang seneng kan loe, bukan gw..." batin gue niy
"Ambil keq kelas fitness, angkat beban, biar jadi badan loe..." kata dia lg
"Gk tau y, di tempat Gym tuw banyak binan iseng? Situ mau anaknya pulang gk perjaka lagi?!"
"Klo badan loe keker kan jd ada wibawanya..." kata dia
"Prinsip gw, klo ada duit n kedudukan, wibawa akan mengikuti..." kata gua dalem hati
"Drpd sekarang muka loe kyk anak kecil..." sambung dia lagi
"Itu namanya imut, and nobody's ever complaint about that. Besides I'm happy with it" batin gw
"Loe gk usa minder gr2 badan u yg kecil itu" kata emak gw
"Loe kali yg minder? Gw mah PD2 aj bs pdkt sama banyak cowoq keker di luar sana..."
Akhirnya gw malah jd ilfil buat ikut kelas fitnes yang ditawarin adek gw, coz gw pikir: klo gw ikut fitnes tar dia kesenengan, pikirnya gw nurutin maunya dia. Padahal emang niat gw ud tulus bgt dr awal pgn ikut demi kebaikan gw sendiri. Tapi klo gk ikut, rugi jg...masak rencana gw berantakan cm gara2 dia? So i finally decided, "What the heck...i won't let her do any damage anymore to my life. Screw her...i'll do what i think is right to do" Jadi, rasa2ny next week gw bakal start ng-gym ala gw klo gk halangan.
Still, no matter how much i hate her...there's nothing i can do for now. The main reason is b'coz i still live on the same roof with her. Istilahnya ms numpang di rmh orang tua. But that's ok...mudah2an gw jd terpacu, spy gw bs cepet2 mandiri, so i can finally live by my own. Klo ud kyk gt kan, peduli setan sm dia. Kebayang gk siy, klo percakapan di atas itu berlangsung secara frontal, alias gw ikut ngebacot? Yg ada gw bs diusir dr rumah, hehe...which can't be happen, at least for now. Jd, untuk yg satu ini...gw harus bermain cantik, seperti yang selalu diajarkan oleh nenek gw. Sumtimes, in order to get sumthing that u desperately want, u really don't have to do a thing...except to stand still, stay calm, and wait for thw right time to strike. So that's exactly what i'm going to do for now, stand still..
The other reason is...b'coz no matter what, she still my mom. And apart from her selfish part, pasti dia jg mau yg baik bwt gue. The only problem is, she never asked what's good for me... So, maybe one day, i will be able to tell her exactly what's good for me. Then it's all up to her to decide, whether she wants the full of me, or she could juz leave it. I'm sorry, but if you want the best part from me, you also need to take the worst part of me. B'coz that's what exactly i'm doing (or learning to do it) rite now. To accept my self for who i truly am, b'coz in the end it'll be juz me and my life, not someone else's life. And when that time is finally come, i want to be proud of it, really proud of my self..
Senin, 01 Februari 2010
Veronica Decides to Die
Today is Monday...i know, it's the day where i'm suppose to be happy and light-weighted. Besides, the fact that i've managed to force (literally..FORCE!!) myself to coped and finished those TGA work, i think i should be grateful and proud of myself at the same time, rite? Don't want to talk much about it...since i still got 2 last weeks to finish with. Until that day...i'll remain speechless about it.
Now, let's talk about this moan-day...hehe... The truth is, i'm not really moan, i didn't complaint actually about this day. I'm free...and nothing i can complaint about being free. I juz feel "less" bcoz i used to go to Vihara, but i didn't go this week. Kinda felt like guilty, hehe.. Lagian, di minggu2 kmrn gw tuw selalu sibuk berjibaku dgn deadline tugas yg kykna gk ada abisnya. I never got a weekend, since i've used them to finished my task. Jadi, begitu dpt hari senggang kyk gini...malah rasanya aneh, and again..feeling guilty. Emang siy, to be honest..ms ada beberapa tgs yg mst gw beresin, but i'm juz not in the mood. Jd mgkn itu jg yg bikin gw feelin' a lil' bit guilty. Hehe, but that's okay...i'll finish it, rite away...i juz need to feel better. And to write, is one of my way to feel better..
Yesterday, during my enjoyable free time at Saturday, i spent my time to watch DVD. Hell yeeaah, those movie that i bought like century ago, which i never managed to watch it b'coz i'm too damn busy and too little too much time. But yes, yesterday i DID watch some of them.
One of the story, the one that made me urge to write...it's about a woman who decided to end up her life. But it's not the thing, the important thing...is the message in the end of the movie. That to become a human, and to have a life...we actually have to have what they call as "life-awareness". Self awareness that I am actually alive rite now, so that we would call everyday as a miracle. One more day to life, one more chance to breathe, one more chance to many opportunities and of also michieves in life. I juz thought...kadang gw sk berasa boring with my life, apalagi klo mikirin hal2 apa aj yg blom gw capai (and entah akan bisa tercapai ato engga). Cm klo misalnya gw bs lebih mensyukuri hidup gw, mungkin gw gk akan terlalu banyak complaint. Soalnya, terkadang hal2 indah dalam hidup bs kita dapet dr hal2 kecil...like, having a little chit n chat with ur trusted fren, sharing stories, eat gud stuff, listen to great music, actually breathing in and out, having a calm nite, hav a good nite sleep, have a very sweet dream (like one i juz had, hihi...)
So, mungkin ms buaaanyak hal-hal yg blom g capai. And masih banyak pula hal-hal yg belum gw kerjakan, dan di sisi yg sama...ms banyak pula hal2 yg wajib gw kerjakan. So, for now...let's juz stick with it. I mean, finish it one by one...like i always say "one step at a time".
Jd klo skrg ini gw ms hrs berjuang sedikit lg dgn TGA gw, sok atuh...kerjakan, finish it...make it well done! And abis itu, klo gw ms punya sejuta rencana...sok atuh, dicoba, dibuat spy mungkin, make it possibble, work it out, and when it actually not workin' yet...embrace ur life once again, then try another way. Jd gk perlu stress kan, u don't need to carry away those bourdon. Emang siy, gw ud gk sabar bgt wants to livin a life hell life Betty Suarez in Ugly Betty. Well, not actually like her of course. Only the part that she's workin' on fashion magazine, and she's got a hot gay co-worker (well, it's actually her enemy actually...hehe), and she's livin in a city, yes...i want it, plus one cozy apartment, wkakakz..
Mungkin yg perlu dicoba adalah saran dr sebuah majalah ato orang y?), yang intinya belajar menyikapi hidup. jd, klo pas mau tidur...bersyukurlah atas satu hari yg ud lewat wheter it's gud or bad, and klo bsk tnyata u ms bgn...then be grateful for it, then live ur life. Maybe, that way...we'll have a less regret in our life.
Now, let's talk about this moan-day...hehe... The truth is, i'm not really moan, i didn't complaint actually about this day. I'm free...and nothing i can complaint about being free. I juz feel "less" bcoz i used to go to Vihara, but i didn't go this week. Kinda felt like guilty, hehe.. Lagian, di minggu2 kmrn gw tuw selalu sibuk berjibaku dgn deadline tugas yg kykna gk ada abisnya. I never got a weekend, since i've used them to finished my task. Jadi, begitu dpt hari senggang kyk gini...malah rasanya aneh, and again..feeling guilty. Emang siy, to be honest..ms ada beberapa tgs yg mst gw beresin, but i'm juz not in the mood. Jd mgkn itu jg yg bikin gw feelin' a lil' bit guilty. Hehe, but that's okay...i'll finish it, rite away...i juz need to feel better. And to write, is one of my way to feel better..
Yesterday, during my enjoyable free time at Saturday, i spent my time to watch DVD. Hell yeeaah, those movie that i bought like century ago, which i never managed to watch it b'coz i'm too damn busy and too little too much time. But yes, yesterday i DID watch some of them.
One of the story, the one that made me urge to write...it's about a woman who decided to end up her life. But it's not the thing, the important thing...is the message in the end of the movie. That to become a human, and to have a life...we actually have to have what they call as "life-awareness". Self awareness that I am actually alive rite now, so that we would call everyday as a miracle. One more day to life, one more chance to breathe, one more chance to many opportunities and of also michieves in life. I juz thought...kadang gw sk berasa boring with my life, apalagi klo mikirin hal2 apa aj yg blom gw capai (and entah akan bisa tercapai ato engga). Cm klo misalnya gw bs lebih mensyukuri hidup gw, mungkin gw gk akan terlalu banyak complaint. Soalnya, terkadang hal2 indah dalam hidup bs kita dapet dr hal2 kecil...like, having a little chit n chat with ur trusted fren, sharing stories, eat gud stuff, listen to great music, actually breathing in and out, having a calm nite, hav a good nite sleep, have a very sweet dream (like one i juz had, hihi...)So, mungkin ms buaaanyak hal-hal yg blom g capai. And masih banyak pula hal-hal yg belum gw kerjakan, dan di sisi yg sama...ms banyak pula hal2 yg wajib gw kerjakan. So, for now...let's juz stick with it. I mean, finish it one by one...like i always say "one step at a time".
Jd klo skrg ini gw ms hrs berjuang sedikit lg dgn TGA gw, sok atuh...kerjakan, finish it...make it well done! And abis itu, klo gw ms punya sejuta rencana...sok atuh, dicoba, dibuat spy mungkin, make it possibble, work it out, and when it actually not workin' yet...embrace ur life once again, then try another way. Jd gk perlu stress kan, u don't need to carry away those bourdon. Emang siy, gw ud gk sabar bgt wants to livin a life hell life Betty Suarez in Ugly Betty. Well, not actually like her of course. Only the part that she's workin' on fashion magazine, and she's got a hot gay co-worker (well, it's actually her enemy actually...hehe), and she's livin in a city, yes...i want it, plus one cozy apartment, wkakakz..
Mungkin yg perlu dicoba adalah saran dr sebuah majalah ato orang y?), yang intinya belajar menyikapi hidup. jd, klo pas mau tidur...bersyukurlah atas satu hari yg ud lewat wheter it's gud or bad, and klo bsk tnyata u ms bgn...then be grateful for it, then live ur life. Maybe, that way...we'll have a less regret in our life.
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