Farewell Opung, THANK YOU so much..

Kemarin, Opung berpulang...

My mom told me, "She's gone..." and there I was, sitting on my bed, giving no respond, except nodding my head. After she went out from my bedroom, I still sat for a while, and then I started to went into a silent cry, and sobbing, and then cried.

The thing that mostly struck me is the fact that she's done so much for me, yet I haven't got any chance to thank her in ways I've imagined. For a sudden, I felt miserable because I haven't been able to fulfill my promise, although it was a silent one, a dream that I had only for myself without sharing it to other. I wanted to take her to Lourdes, because I believe she would love to have that pilgrimage.

Many times, whenever I lose hope, she would say things that really meant a lot to me. She would said, "America..!" because for some unknown reason, she's the only person I believe who knows how much I want to go there, deep down inside my heart. It's not actually the America as a country, but it's more like an image, of how I'm capable to go abroad, to live by myself, to be myself at the fullest, and to seek and accomplish those missions. I never directly told her this, but I do believe she sees that in my heart. She just knew, whenever I remember that "America", I just won't give up and I won't back down. Sometimes she would teased me, saying "I still want you to take me to America" and I would then told myself, "Yes, you can do it..you'll have that chance!"

But now, there's no chance left for me to take her to any of those places.

I know it sounds kind of selfish because what triggered my out-cried was my own condition. I hate being in this situation, in which I'm not capable to do any. I despise myself, for being not able to. I'm disappointed, because I didn't get those chance to show her, to prove her, that what she sees in me, what she visioned me, it's all worth it.

I didn't get to this feeling, not until the next morning. I was done with my bath, and I just finished getting dress. Normally, I would go out from my bedroom, and then go on to do the next errands before I go to the office. But the light has been out since the morning. So there I was, alone in my bedroom, which was dark once I closed the door. Then in the darkness, I sat down on the floor, and I cried...again.

I finally have a moment of truth, where I acknowledge what saddened me the most. I send her my sorry, for I haven't been able to. But the most important thing, is that I finally get a chance to say "thank you". Thank you, Opung...for keep on lighting my way whenever it turns dark, thank you for being in each and every steps, thank you for showing me direction, and reminds me whenever I tempted to turn on the wrong path. Thank you so much for believing in me, for preparing me all this time, nurturing me to become a bigger, bolder, and more beautiful person.

She might be gone now, I might never had any chance to take her to places I dreamed to take her to be, but after all she has done to me, I believe the least I could do is to show her and myself, that I'm all able to, I'm capable to fulfill those missions, and I will become a person she always visioned me to be. I still have a chance to take those dreams, and fulfill it. And even if I might fail and die eventually without accomplish anything, at least I die trying.

I'm grateful that I still had a chance to met her one last time before she gone. I visited her in the hospital on Saturday, after Waisak ceremony. She was gone two days afterward. But I've seen the best of her on that Saturday. She said, not to me, but to the other visitor (my uncle), however I feel like the message was sent to me. "I could only die once in this lifetime, why fear it.." Up until now, I kind of think that she might do that on purpose. She showed to each and all of us, that she's okay. She wanted to be remembered as the best of her. When my Mom took her picture using her phone to send it to my aunt, she even asked "Do I look okay in that..?" and we all laughed. I hold her hands, and then I said good bye to her when we all about to went back home. But I think the real goodbye for me, is the moment when I saw her through her eyes, just for a glimpse of second, when we were strolling to the door. I thank her, for showing me the best of her during that time, and I'll remember her as always.

So, farewell my dear Opung. I owed you so much, that I wouldn't even dare to mess up my life, the life that you have helped to nurture and taken care of all this time. May you have a safe and peaceful journey. Blessed be, for all the kindness and good deeds you have done to me, to each one of us, to our family. Thank you so very much, Opung. Thank you...

Side notes on April'14:
I only published it just now, even though I've wrote it like a half year ago, where it ended up in the draft. Today, after re-read the whole writings, I decided this one piece is worth to be published. The pain has lessened, and I think in someways, it turns into power, to drive me, to push me even more, to willing to fight even more, to not even dare to give up.

There are times, when I still cries whenever I remembered her. But then in each of that moment, I just realize that, "Sshh..enough crying, show it what are you made of, how much valuable you are!" So, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

Nganggur, booo...!!

The title is actually serve double purposes, it describes my current situation, as well as described my previous situation, one that I haven't tell yet, since the day I've been graduated. Yup, it's been like..almost a year and a half, I guess?

Many things happened during that times, but let's just focus on the current situation first. I'll share the glimpse of what happened here and there anyway. So, the point is:

Tueteep..NGANGGUR, boo..!!



Ini kerjaan gue yg baru, after gw resign dr kerjaan gw yg sebelumnya, which I had during my graduation day. I worked before at hotel, but then things come up..long stories actually..and then I ended up having this new job at some not really lousy company actually. It's a small company, but there are even a bigger reason, good one, of why I choose this job.

By this far, keliatannya ini bukan pilihan yg salah. I mean, mo nyari dimana lg kerjaan yg gw bs masuk siang keq gini. Yah, bukan siang hari dalam pengertian jam 12 siang bolong yah..tp dengan jam masuk 10 pagi, I think it bring a whole lot of effect. Yg pst for this past few days (yes, I just got in to this job few days ago) gue gk bangun pagi dengan bad mood gr2 kurang tidur, gk pake grasa-grusu jg di pagi hari krn ngejar waktu spy gk telat masuk kantor (demi supaya gk dapet surat teguran karena telat, shit!).

Gk harus ngantri berpuluh-puluh menit juga di halte busway yang pastinya penuh suesaaak di jam masuk kantor, which make me ended up feeling even more miserable and tired than ever. Apalagi klo ngebayangin di sore harinya, again..gue kudu grasa-grusu lagi demi supaya ngejar waktu ke kampus. Yes, a part of my long stories is that now I'm enrolling for Master degree..ehm, in Communication. Woooaaaa, right? Never past in my mind, I just sometime still amazed (and being thankful at the same time) with this fact.

But still, this "greater goodness" cost me more time & energy to spend. So, instead of thinking about where to hang out, gue lbh fokus buat mikir, "When will I get time to do the task?" Or even worse, "When the hell I'll get time to rest" Or it could turn out even worst, "For fuck's sake, I need a break!!"

That's why, in the end of the day..I ended up praying so that I could set myself free from all of this bourdon. And you know? It's like the Genie in those movies, "Your wish, is my command" and yet..it's being fulfilled. One week later, I get the "announcement" from my God damn bitchy boss who actually used up her freakin' valuable time to tell me the "bad news".

Well, of course it doesn't come out as totally bad, knowing that part of it, is something that I wish for: I get the resignation penalty, which do me a lot of fortune to pay the college tuition. And the most funny thing, is that I got my "break-time" in a big way. It took me another 6 months, before I finally land on the new job. Yes, 6 bulan free, boo..! Bener-bener kebayar tuh, walaupun di sisi lain gw jg sempet resah krn cemas belom dpt kerjaan.

But here I am, typing this story in front of the laptop (that serves as my desktop PC, due to the "emergency" situation), in my own desk, doing nothing because I don't (yet) have the task to do. Secara bos gue lg pameran, dan sebagian besar staff juga entah ngilang kemana (ke luar kota, based on my colleague information), jd gue bener2 jobless for this time being. But hey, that's why I got time to type all of these..so, it's good.

Gue jg prefer untuk gk ambil pusing, about my future in this company..coz, I can't imagine how is it going to be, me being with this company. Yg penting gue ada kerjaan, gk nganggur, ada duit masuk tiap bulan, esp. buat bayar kuliah..abis itu, yah liat kemana arah yg bs dituju. B'coz one thing that simply being taught to me during those 6 months of break-time, is that life could somehow become beyond expectation.

For now, kerjaan ini terus terang not yet becoming a pain in the ass for my college, so it is good. Mudah2an sih bs sejalan, sampe nanti gue deket2 mo lulus..hehe.. Tp jgn kebanyakan nganggur keq gini juga, feeling guilty boo...! Klo gw gk banyak guna'na buat company, yg ada kan gk lama gw di-pecat yah, secara kerja gw cm ngabisin listrik, air, tinta printer (demi buat ngprint tugas kampus, haha..), and duit buat bayar gaji gue tiap bulan'na.. So, horeee for now, may I'll get on with it.

Now, musti ngapain yah supaya gk keliatan nganggur banget? Ngerti kyk gini sih okeh sebenernya, keliatan kyk lg sibuk ngerjain sumthing (padahal lg ngemeng di blog, haha..) Td jg ud browsing sana-sini, ampe mata gue suntur. Kerjaan yg kemarin2 dikasih, ud rampung gw kerjain tinggal nunggu approval. Kerjaan kampus gue malah ikut2an bablas gw hajar saking gk da kerjaan. Mau nonton video, koq kesannya paraaaah bgt yah??! Mau baca buku, sayangnya gw lg gk baca buku..padahal klo baca buku kan bisa keliatan sibuk juga (secara kepalanya nunduk gitu, kyk lg kerja..haha..padahal matanya doank yg kerja baca tulisan).

Oh iy, gw jg lg kepikiran buat nerusin..ehm, lebih tepatnya memulai (soalnya kykna gue blom pernah bener-bener start serius gt d) program penambahan berat badan gue. Secara semenjak gue kerja n kul, berat badan gue menurun drastis. And I was thinking that it's about time to take it on to next level, masa sih gk bs nambah beberapa kilo aj. Syarat utama: tidur cukup, makan banyak, gk banyak pikiran, hehe..

Yg paling susah pastinya poin ke-3 lah yah, which become my biggest consideration. Td pagi, during my trip to the office, I've contemplated with my self (sempet yah? sempet laah, klo berangkatnya nyantai gk dikejar setan). Gue ngebandingin masa-masa blom dpt kerjaan, sm skrg waktu gue ud kerja. Ternyata senengnya dapet kerjaan itu cm sebentar yah? Udahan'na gue mulai deh cemas sama ini itu. Penyebab utamanya? Yah my own expectation sih. I began to create the image of my ideal future with this company, how it should or could turn out to be, and then I began to worried, I have fear toward the future. Worried that things might go not so well. But u know what? Things will go unwell, that's for sure. You just don't know when, or how, but it will. But, it doesn't matter..once I look up upon my biggest, my greater purpose. And reflecting my own life, one can just pray that no matter how much turn around being made, that somehow those turns will lead to the destination. Jd, kenapa takut? Ehm, mungkin lebih tepatnya..kenapa dipikirin? Hehe..



NB: barusan gw ke belakang buat refill air, ngelewatin staff lain dr divisi sales yg ternyata..jg gk kalah nganggur. Secara dia Youtube'an boo..!! Haha..tnyata gk cm gw sndiri aj, hihi.. Officially slacking off..!!

Gue LULUS...!!

Now I Think, "It's OK to walk on my path..."

Juz now I read the newspaper, and it tells the story about Yuichi Komano. Here’s the headline and the story that I quote from newspaper:

Meski Gagal, Komano Dapat Penghargaan
Yuichi Komano, bek yang penaltinya gagal sehingga Jepang kalah adu penalti dari Paraguay di 16 besar Piala Dunia 2010 pekan lalu, bangga mendapat medali penghargaan dari gubernur kota kelahirannya, Wakayama. “Kami memberi Komano medali agar semua orang tetap memiliki mimpi dan harapan, “ kata Gubernur Wakayama.

My heart tingling when I read the last sentences. “So that the others can still have dreams and hopes…” The message is so strong, so that people would still dare to put their hope high and dare to dream. Cara yang bener2 bijak dalam menyikapi hal buruk, coz based on my opinion it must be really such hard bourdon when he actually failed to score a goal, especially when all the entire Japanese put their hope on him. But in the end, it doesn’t matter…it’s not what people hope for you that was count for. It’s what u expect for yourself, what hope do you have, and how you treat your dream.

No wonder my heart was tingling because, then…I remember how I wannabe bold, big, and beautiful. My sacred lines, the one that represent my desire, about how I look at myself, about what kind of person I want to look at myself. The one that bold, big, and beautiful. Besides, I’m the tiger anyway…I suppose to be big and bold and beautiful…hehe…

Makanya gw salut bgt sm Ricky Martin, waktu dia dengan berani mengumumkan ke seluruh dunia, “Hi, I’m Ricky Martin, and I’m gay” With all the fame and money that he got, why bother? At least he’s got the chance, he proved to the world that even that he’s gay, he’s simply a fine man, and he’s good looking (although he’s not my type, hihi…), and talented, and gifted also. The time will come for me, when I actually have my own chance, the day when I actually dare to tell myself, “Psst, u know what? You’re okay (with a big O and K), you were fine, and you are going to be great.

I might gonna fail...even a lot (well, hopefully not that much fail…for God sake!), but no matter what…may I going to be able to see my failure, like the way of Japanese people saw Komano’s failure. So that I’ll never gonna lose, even a tiny bit within myself. Great…great…Teddies!

That’s why, above all things…I think what’s really count is not about what or how people think or say about you. What really count is about what and how you think about yourself. Itu juga alasan utama, tatkala semua orang di dunia ini lg keranjingan nonton bola (bahkan yg biasanya gk peduli banget soal bola, ikut2an kena euphoria demi keliatan laki), gw malah milih nonton Project Runaway di Fashion TV. Worldcup 2010? I don’t care! It’s soo not me, hehe…yg gw concern plg cuma soundtrack “It’s Time for Africa” yang dinyanyiin sama Shakira doank. Because it’s just me, simply me…that what who I am.

In fact, I think only fool people who actually care and put their entire energy to care about what other people think about them. To willingly try and satisfied other’s expectation. Juz like my Mom, yg baru berapa hari ini berkoar tentang pentingnya menjaga image kita di hadapan keluarga yang laen. Ngomongnya pastilah pk nyindir2 gue gt, secara dia ngomong barengan di hadapan my bother and sister. Dia cerita tentang betapa susahnya keluarga dia dulu, sampe2 dia dpandang sebelah mata sama keluarga yang laen. Now that her and all her sister and brother had become successful, sekonyong2 pandangan semua orang berubah. Klo kata gue, “Halooo, hari gini sp siy yg gk silau liat duit? Sp siy yg doyan susah? Di saat kita jaya, bergelimang harta, posisi bagus, banyak koneksi, pastilah orang akan ngomong yg bagus2 di depan kita (catet: di depan kita low, gk tau di belakang). Semua org jg mau deket klo kita lg makmur, but pliiis…remember those bitter time. Apa “the other” itu peduli sm kita? Ngeliat aj gk sudi, apalagi ngomong yang bagus2. Kita jaya juga dr hasil usaha, jerih payah kita sendiri. Bodoh aj, klo terus kita mencoba mengukur kemakmuran dan keberhasilan kita dari kacamata orang lain.

Kayak yg terjadi sm tante2 gw yg semuanya ud pada sukses itu, tiap kali ada hajatan keluarga…wuiih, it’s just classic: tamu adalah raja. So they put all their effort to serve “the other”, dengan embel2...demi nama baik keluarga. Well, it’s up to my mom (and my brother and sister) if they want to put their live that way. But for me, just like I said before…what u think about yourself is what matter the most. Namanya orang hidup, gk selamanya bisa jaya. Nothing last forever (anicca), akan ada masa dimana bintang kita redup, dan di saat masa itu tiba, kita gk akan punya kuasa buat mengontrol apa yang orang lain pikirkan tentang kita. It’s just out of our control, so rather that wasting time and energy into something that totally unreliable like that, I would better try to fill and live myself at the fullest.

So, again…I’m sorry Mom but I, once again have to cross-path with you. It’s not like, I hate or dishonor you or sumthing, but it’s juz not me. I realize, I’m not perfect, gw bukan yang paling benar. But hopefully I’ll have my own chance to walk on my path, and discover the truth out by myself with my very own way. So, just like the fact that “I think I’m gay” part, you just don’t understand, or maybe u just haven’t yet, but it doesn’t matter, like I said…it’s not my part. She just need to walk her own path, the same way that I do.

I’m not walking all by myself, and it’s not just a sentence. I still remembered clearly, sehari setelah gw ke-gap ama nyokap…di saat gw lg desperate bgt, tiba2 tangan gw ngebuka buku Ajahn Brahm tepat di halaman yg isi tulisannya lg ngebahas tentang homoseksual. One thing that I still remember (and maybe I’m going to, for the rest of my life) is the sentence that described what he said to his audience back then (the book it’s like a journal). He said, “You’re all welcome” That’s it! Gk ada embel2, gk ada syarat, gk ada hujatan atau stigma negative. Kalimat pendek, tapi bener2 menyejukkan hati gw bgt waktu itu.

Itu buku ud gw pegang selama seminggu, dan ud gw baca sambil lalu, because I thought, “Well, everyone seems to talk about him, so I I’ll juz give it a try, and try to read one of his book” And that’s what happened, the right page opened at the right time. Sama seperti tulisan tentang Komano yang gw baca hari ini, yang gk sengaja gw baca karena kebetulan tergeletak di atas kasur gw. Koran yang ud lewat 2 hari yang lalu, yang sebenarnya gk bakal gw baca (not mention the fact that the story was printed in the “sport” section, the page that I always skip), tp toh gw baca gua hari ini. The day when I actually spent the whole day, to watch, breath, and learn about self integrity, about how I want to be…u know, rite? Those sacred line of 3B!

“Thank you” That’s all I want to say, simple, short, but strong enough to represent what comes from the deepest-bottom of my heart. I will be great! Ow, btw…here’s the other thing that Ajahn Brahm said on his book. Katanya di luar sana (he’s Australian), there’s a lot of gay people (and couple) who enjoy their life, and having a good quality of live, including their spiritual side. I remember, how I usually describe it with my own language. I promised (well, at least I’m willing to promise that) this thing. I’m the flower, I promise that I won’t let me turn into a rotten flower. I might have thorn around, but it stills a beautiful flower. I’m still the flower. It’s up to the other, whether they want to stick their finger into my thorn, or enjoy the beauty within their eyes. And in order to do that, I need Me…and yes, don’t forget The Teddies! Blessed be my way…

I Hate My Mom...and I Really Did (Do)

Sumpeh, gw sebel bgt sm nyokap gw. This time she finally succeeded again in making me angry. I'm the one who have to eat those negative emotions, while she keep on spreading the viruses whenever she talks. I know, i'm the dumb here, since i LET her messed up my mood. But, i juz can't help it...! She's juz so irritating!

Why...for God sake, she juz don't let me be who i truly am. I know, i might not know exactly, and sumtimes i not making good decisions. But parents should let their kids make those decisions for they will eventually live their own life in the future, without you dictating them, or ordering them how to live their own life! There was a time when i actually think that my father was better than my mom, b'coz despite the fact that he kinda dumb and tend to hurt people by the way he expressed his feeling, but to me...he rarely complaint. And that's what i expect most at this very time, for she to juz shut her mouth, and swallow all her thoughts for herself. B'coz i'm juz not hearing you, Ma...!! I really not that into you...

If there's any word i could use to describe her, i will use "munafik" as the strongest word. Kadang gw mikir, she juz want what's best from me, but not what's bad from me. Hell, you juz have to have the full of me, take it, or leave it! Sekarang gini aj, dia bilang gw pesolek, setiap kali gw mulai perawatan muka (entah facial, peeling, dll) dia selalu complaint.
"Cowoq tuh gk kyk gt, tau gk ?" gitu kata dia.
"Sebodo teing lah, mau-mau loe..." dalem hati gue, hehe...
"Gk perlu pake2 peeling segala, kasar dikit gk masalah buat cowok" kata dia lagi
"Ow yeah? Jd cowoq yg mukanya bolong2 itu lebih bagus menurut loe?" batin gw
"Gk us juga pake2 cleansing milk segala, ribet bgt..." kata dia lagi
"Lah gw cocoknya pake cleansing milk! Klo gw jerawatan, emang situ yg ngerasain?"
"Susah amet siy, pake2 facial segala..." sambung dia
"Bacot deh, muka gw berminyak jg kan nurunin gen loe. Buktinya muka u jg berminyak n gampang komedo'an...!" lagi-lagi kata gua dalem hati
"Ngapain siy pake2 masker segala..."
"Astaga, niy masker jg gw beli pk duit gw sendiri. Gw yg tau manfaatnya buat gw, lagian gw pake masker jg di kamar, bukan di tengah jalan?!"
"Cowoq tuw gk us kyk gt..."
"Klo loe segitu paham'na tentang cowoq, gih..silakan loe yang jadi cowoq" umpat gw dalem hati.

Plis deh Mom, gk pernah dgr istilah Metrosexual apa? Hare gene sp siy yg gk mau cakep? Lagian itu muka jg muka gw sendiri, aset gw geetu loow, koq jd situ yg sibuk ngatur? Sekrang klo gw cakep, situ jg kan yg seneng? And that's the fact: tiap kali ada yg muji gw, ato kasi komen positif tentang gw, dia jg yg kesengsem, cengengesan sana sini. Pliiis deeeh... (ud 2x niy gw ngomong pliiis)
Trus lagi, tiap kali dia belanja baju pastilah dia ngajak gue. Tar tanya warna lah, tanya ini cocok apa engga lah, itu matching ato engga, dll. Klo nyalon...gw jg yg milih warna, malah kadang di rmh gw jg yg disuruh nge-cat. Sekarang gantian gw yg nanya, "Emang cowok wajar klo kyk gt?"

Mungkin emang pada dasarnya gw punya sense lebih, menyangkut hal-hal yg indah dan cantik. That's why i had a job and an education related with design. Dan mungkin emang dasarny jg gw punya sisi feminin lebih dominan. Tapi gw jg tau batas, which means...gk mungkin lah gw jalan ke mall pake lingerie?? Ato make make-up tebel kayak dakocan? Ato jalan melambai sambil goyang pinggul? I know my standart, but she doesn't know, so stop messing around mith mine!

Sekarang ini dia sibuk berkoar-koar, suruh gw gemukin badan biar berotot kayak "cowok kebanyakan" Pliss deh Mom, before u came up with that idea, have u ever bother to ask me whether i want it or not? If i would be comfortable with that? Yes, i know...i kinda skinny. Biasanya gw pk istilah slim, tapi semenjak gw kelar dengan kuliah gw yg maha berat, berat badan gw emang turun banyak (stress kalee...!!) jadi sekarang ini emang lbh cocok dibilang kurus. And yes, i already had a plan...to put on more weight (secara gw jg ngeri liat timbangan gw yg turun drastis). That's why i took milk, i bought vitamins, and fish oil, and eaten a lot. Belakangan, my brother asked me to accompany him to the gym. Gw pikir, lumayan jg gw bs pake fasilitas renang spy badan jd kenceng. Asli, niat gw tulus banget bukan buat ngebentuk body kyk Ade Ray..i had my very own plan. Eeh, tiba2 malah dia yg sibuk komen sana-sini,
"Cowok tuh keker dikit lah..." kata dia
"Bacooot... Klo gw keker, yang seneng kan loe, bukan gw..." batin gue niy
"Ambil keq kelas fitness, angkat beban, biar jadi badan loe..." kata dia lg
"Gk tau y, di tempat Gym tuw banyak binan iseng? Situ mau anaknya pulang gk perjaka lagi?!"
"Klo badan loe keker kan jd ada wibawanya..." kata dia
"Prinsip gw, klo ada duit n kedudukan, wibawa akan mengikuti..." kata gua dalem hati
"Drpd sekarang muka loe kyk anak kecil..." sambung dia lagi
"Itu namanya imut, and nobody's ever complaint about that. Besides I'm happy with it" batin gw
"Loe gk usa minder gr2 badan u yg kecil itu" kata emak gw
"Loe kali yg minder? Gw mah PD2 aj bs pdkt sama banyak cowoq keker di luar sana..."

Akhirnya gw malah jd ilfil buat ikut kelas fitnes yang ditawarin adek gw, coz gw pikir: klo gw ikut fitnes tar dia kesenengan, pikirnya gw nurutin maunya dia. Padahal emang niat gw ud tulus bgt dr awal pgn ikut demi kebaikan gw sendiri. Tapi klo gk ikut, rugi jg...masak rencana gw berantakan cm gara2 dia? So i finally decided, "What the heck...i won't let her do any damage anymore to my life. Screw her...i'll do what i think is right to do" Jadi, rasa2ny next week gw bakal start ng-gym ala gw klo gk halangan.

Still, no matter how much i hate her...there's nothing i can do for now. The main reason is b'coz i still live on the same roof with her. Istilahnya ms numpang di rmh orang tua. But that's ok...mudah2an gw jd terpacu, spy gw bs cepet2 mandiri, so i can finally live by my own. Klo ud kyk gt kan, peduli setan sm dia. Kebayang gk siy, klo percakapan di atas itu berlangsung secara frontal, alias gw ikut ngebacot? Yg ada gw bs diusir dr rumah, hehe...which can't be happen, at least for now. Jd, untuk yg satu ini...gw harus bermain cantik, seperti yang selalu diajarkan oleh nenek gw. Sumtimes, in order to get sumthing that u desperately want, u really don't have to do a thing...except to stand still, stay calm, and wait for thw right time to strike. So that's exactly what i'm going to do for now, stand still..

The other reason is...b'coz no matter what, she still my mom. And apart from her selfish part, pasti dia jg mau yg baik bwt gue. The only problem is, she never asked what's good for me... So, maybe one day, i will be able to tell her exactly what's good for me. Then it's all up to her to decide, whether she wants the full of me, or she could juz leave it. I'm sorry, but if you want the best part from me, you also need to take the worst part of me. B'coz that's what exactly i'm doing (or learning to do it) rite now. To accept my self for who i truly am, b'coz in the end it'll be juz me and my life, not someone else's life. And when that time is finally come, i want to be proud of it, really proud of my self..

Veronica Decides to Die

Today is Monday...i know, it's the day where i'm suppose to be happy and light-weighted. Besides, the fact that i've managed to force (literally..FORCE!!) myself to coped and finished those TGA work, i think i should be grateful and proud of myself at the same time, rite? Don't want to talk much about it...since i still got 2 last weeks to finish with. Until that day...i'll remain speechless about it.
Now, let's talk about this moan-day...hehe... The truth is, i'm not really moan, i didn't complaint actually about this day. I'm free...and nothing i can complaint about being free. I juz feel "less" bcoz i used to go to Vihara, but i didn't go this week. Kinda felt like guilty, hehe.. Lagian, di minggu2 kmrn gw tuw selalu sibuk berjibaku dgn deadline tugas yg kykna gk ada abisnya. I never got a weekend, since i've used them to finished my task. Jadi, begitu dpt hari senggang kyk gini...malah rasanya aneh, and again..feeling guilty. Emang siy, to be honest..ms ada beberapa tgs yg mst gw beresin, but i'm juz not in the mood. Jd mgkn itu jg yg bikin gw feelin' a lil' bit guilty. Hehe, but that's okay...i'll finish it, rite away...i juz need to feel better. And to write, is one of my way to feel better..
Yesterday, during my enjoyable free time at Saturday, i spent my time to watch DVD. Hell yeeaah, those movie that i bought like century ago, which i never managed to watch it b'coz i'm too damn busy and too little too much time. But yes, yesterday i DID watch some of them.

One of the story, the one that made me urge to write...it's about a woman who decided to end up her life. But it's not the thing, the important thing...is the message in the end of the movie. That to become a human, and to have a life...we actually have to have what they call as "life-awareness". Self awareness that I am actually alive rite now, so that we would call everyday as a miracle. One more day to life, one more chance to breathe, one more chance to many opportunities and of also michieves in life. I juz thought...kadang gw sk berasa boring with my life, apalagi klo mikirin hal2 apa aj yg blom gw capai (and entah akan bisa tercapai ato engga). Cm klo misalnya gw bs lebih mensyukuri hidup gw, mungkin gw gk akan terlalu banyak complaint. Soalnya, terkadang hal2 indah dalam hidup bs kita dapet dr hal2 kecil...like, having a little chit n chat with ur trusted fren, sharing stories, eat gud stuff, listen to great music, actually breathing in and out, having a calm nite, hav a good nite sleep, have a very sweet dream (like one i juz had, hihi...)
So, mungkin ms buaaanyak hal-hal yg blom g capai. And masih banyak pula hal-hal yg belum gw kerjakan, dan di sisi yg sama...ms banyak pula hal2 yg wajib gw kerjakan. So, for now...let's juz stick with it. I mean, finish it one by one...like i always say "one step at a time".
Jd klo skrg ini gw ms hrs berjuang sedikit lg dgn TGA gw, sok atuh...kerjakan, finish it...make it well done! And abis itu, klo gw ms punya sejuta rencana...sok atuh, dicoba, dibuat spy mungkin, make it possibble, work it out, and when it actually not workin' yet...embrace ur life once again, then try another way. Jd gk perlu stress kan, u don't need to carry away those bourdon. Emang siy, gw ud gk sabar bgt wants to livin a life hell life Betty Suarez in Ugly Betty. Well, not actually like her of course. Only the part that she's workin' on fashion magazine, and she's got a hot gay co-worker (well, it's actually her enemy actually...hehe), and she's livin in a city, yes...i want it, plus one cozy apartment, wkakakz..

Mungkin yg perlu dicoba adalah saran dr sebuah majalah ato orang y?), yang intinya belajar menyikapi hidup. jd, klo pas mau tidur...bersyukurlah atas satu hari yg ud lewat wheter it's gud or bad, and klo bsk tnyata u ms bgn...then be grateful for it, then live ur life. Maybe, that way...we'll have a less regret in our life.

Two Types of Guy

I know i suppose to go to sleep, since i've been forced myself today for nothing (spent 8 hours inside the Studio, and not even one draw??) Yes, i'm exhausted...esp. my mind, but maybe by writing sumthing stupid...out of the fucking concept, i might find peace, hehe..
Anyway, yg pgn gw ceritain kali ini, itu tentang cowok (again??) Yah, kykna blog ini emang isinya gk jauh-jauh dr sana. Habiiiis, mo gmn lg dunk? Gk mgkn curhat sm nyokap kan? Bs diusir gw, haha.. Curhat ke temen, musti ati-ati, jadinya ribet, so better write in here aza..
Balik ke topik, 2-3 hr ini gw lg keranjingan sm cowok2 Korea. Well, emang siy dsini lg pada demam Korea, mulai dr DBSK, SuJu, BBF, dan kawan2 sebangsanya. Yah, sebagian emang cakep siy, but u know me laar... Selera gw kan cowoq2 yg Nordic gt, so klo br level Asia mah gw cuek2 aj. Bukan b'arti gk da yg cakep, tp menurut pendapat pribadi gw...cowoq Asia itu tampan'na ada 2 tipe. Yg pertama karena style (this include hair, dress, style, dll. Gk percaya? Cb aj suruh personil DBSK botakin rambut. Paling2 cm 1-2 org yg ms keliatan tampan..) dan tipe yg kedua adalah yg emang bener2 cakep. Cm sayangnya, cowok2 tipe yg ke-2 ini jarang gw temui. Klopun ada, rata2 yg cakep'na aluus, alias manis n sweet kyk gue gt, hihihi.. Males lar gw klo sama yg setipe mah >_<
Tp entah karena gw emang horny, ato lg stress ngadepin gambar TGA, bberapa hari t'akhir ini gw lg kebayang2 muka personil BBF yg namanya...bentar, agak2 ribet niy, klo gk salah: Kim Joon y? Namanya rada2 mirip gt, bingung gw..
But then, belakangan gw sadar klo tnyata di dunia ini gw membagi cowok dalam 2 kubu, yakni: "Cwoq ganteng yg bikin horny", dan kubu yg satu lagi adalah "cowok ganteng yg bikin adem" Maybe it's more simple if i put those in English, like "Hot Guy" and "Nice Guy". The Hot Guy is the type of man I want to ended up in bed, being fucked in my wildest naughty bitchy dream (hihihi...^^), once being fucked, I'll get bored, then leave them without a trace. While the other type, the "Nice Guy" is the type that I want to spend my time with, hang-out, being out to other with, and sumtimes...doesn't make me feel horny all the time.
Nah low, klo gt bs ditarik kesimpulan dunk, bahwa Love and Sex is not the same? Buktinya, gw bs tuw suka ma cowoq, tanpa ada rasa horny...beberapa cowoq, coz mostly i juz feel horny when i liked one, khe..khe..khe.. Tp intinya, gw cm mo bilang klo cinta tuw gk sama dengan sex. Jadi, klo ada yg menyamaratakan sex dengan cinta, mending suru dia ML ama lobang kunci aj. Nah, loow...lecet-lecet deh tuw!
The bottom line is, I'm glad that i can sees and feels the different between falling in love, with falling with love. Maksudnya gini, klo nantinya gw mo cr BF...i already know, that i need to find the "nice guy" not the "hot guy". I'm going to fins someone that could makes me feel secure, instead of make me warm in bed, although i won't say no if i can have both (I mean both type in ONE man, pleease...i'm not a whore u know!)
To end this writing (coz i am feeling better rite now^^), let's get back to my story. Tentang si Kim Joon yg ud bikin gw horny selama 3 hari, baru tadi gw sempet mikir: "If Kim Joon is my "Hot Guy", then whose gonna be my "Nice Guy" There's gotta be someone, rite? In oder to prove my theory about 2 types of man..."
And then i remembered him, the man from long time ago, but still i like him until now. I've found how he looks like this recently in Youtube, but i'm gonna put only some of his pics.

Juz a lil' fact about him, niy cowok umurnya ud mature denk (31, can u imagine? Pasti ud pengalaman bgt di ranjang, maen'na pasti gentle bgt...aaargh, gk nahan!! Heeeeh, mulai deh pelacuran'na keluar *_*), tapi entah knp makin tua jd makin cakep aja (mudah2an gw bs kyk gt, amieen!). Emang siy jd tambah kurus, mungkin krn gk da yg ngurusin (he divorced), klo gt gw aja d yg ngurusin (aiih, maunya deh loooee!). Mudah2an siy bkn krn sakit ato ngobat yah? Ato mungkin operasi? Hehe, klo yg t'akhir gw no comment deh^^

Btw, his name is Takashi Kashiwabara (nice name rite!) Juz to remind me, that i might easily fall in love with a guy (Hey, I'm Libra btw, spare me pliz...), but in the end i always ended up with the right guy.